


Complicated

by Sailorchibirose



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Cannon, Character Death, Complicated song, Death Eaters, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Inspired by Avril Lavigne, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Song: Complicated, Songfic, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Severus/Lily, Well i totally feel better, avril lavigne: Complicated, grey snape, kinda sad, mostly cannon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 05:26:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17543543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sailorchibirose/pseuds/Sailorchibirose
Summary: Songfic using Avril Lavigne's ComplicatedExploring the (Mostly Cannon) life of Severus Snape through the song.





	Complicated

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Do not own the song or Harry potter or any characters associated with it.
> 
> I am having writers block with another fic and needed something that made me cry a little. 
> 
> Anyway. This is not proofed as I did not have time before looking through another chapter of another fic before posting it the next day. 
> 
> Please let me know if you like it.

> Uh huh, life's like this  
> Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is  
> 'Cause life's like this  
> Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is  
> 

Severus watched her cry in the park. Her sister had just called her a freak again, but he thought she was beautiful. At nearly nine years of age, he had no friends and looked at the other children playing together with both jealousy and disgust. He was jealous of their easy nature - the way they played and laughed, but knew he would only lower his defenses like that for those who were very special and very trustworthy.

He watched her cry into her hands as he approached,   
“Hello?” She looked to him and Severus was instantly mesmerised by how those green eyes focused on him. When she looked to the floor he knew he had been staring too long. “What’s your name?”  
“Lily.” Her voice was quiet and he had to lean in to hear properly so she said it again for clarity.   
“I heard what your sister said.” She found the grass suddenly more fascinating. Grass which was now no longer the greenest thing he had ever seen. “She’s wrong. I can do some too, though not as good as that.”  
“Really?” The way her face snapped up to him and regarded him once again blew him back. She was so inquisitive.  
“Yes. I’m a wizard. I’ll be going to Hogwarts soon, and if you can do that, so will you.”  
“You’re like me? There are others?”  
“Yes,” He briefly heard his father’s warning in his head not to tell anyone. He knew if Tobias Snape found out that he was telling Lily about that ‘magic shit’. Sinking down on to the grass, the boy picked at each blade as he explained what she was, what that meant, and that she was special.

The sun had started to set and the breeze blew, making Lily’s hair flit about in the wind. It smelt good, and suddenly Severus was embarrassed. His own clothes were filthy, this was the same outfit he had worn all week, the same outfit his father had dowsed him in Alcohol when he had come home drunk. He must still smell of rum, or whatever it was his father drank so much of, and it was shameful. She was so pretty and well clothed, if her sister should be calling anyone a freak it should be him, but not for his magical abilities. 

“Lily!” A woman stood on the edge of the park bellowing the girl’s name.   
“I’m coming!” She bellowed back and the woman returned that her supper would be ready in 10 minutes. Severus wondered at how lucky she must be. He had not had a supper in three days, his family’s money all used on his father’s addiction. “Can we meet again?”  
“Tomorrow? Here?” A smile spread across both their faces as they stood up. “I’ll try to bring some bits from my mum’s Hogwarts years.” Her teeth poked through her lips as her grin widened. Suddenly, the world was fuller than before, colours more vibrant, sounds sharper, feeling each motion of the breeze as the girl planted a kiss on his cheek.   
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Severus.”

Watching her go, the boy realised this was the first time he did not wish to leave for the magical school instantly. He could take his father’s beatings, his mother’s rants, sobs and screams - as long as Lily was by his side.

> Chill out, what you yellin' for?  
> Lay back, it's all been done before  
> And if you could only let it be  
> You will see  
> I like you the way you are  
> When we're drivin' in your car  
> And you're talking to me one on one  
> But you've become…  
> 

Slytherin. His mother was in Slytherin too. If she had the capacity would she be proud? A prefect, Lucius Malfoy his name, shook Severus’s hand. His table clapped, a couple cheered lightly - no one else did. He watched as someone in Gryffindor stilled Lily’s hands, at least she was happy for him. She had wanted to clap him, she was still his friend. Nothing could change that. It mattered not to him that they were in completely juxtaposed houses, they would still be the best of friends. They had talked for hours about how he had wanted to be either a Slytherin or a Ravenclaw, how she had liked the idea of either Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. No matter what, they had promised to be friends.

Headmaster Dumbledore pronounced the feast’s beginning. The boy next to him flew his arms wide in joy. Severus flinched. Over the din in the hall he could hear someone across the room attempting to get out from the benches  
“I need to get to him.” His breathing calmed knowing that, not only was he not at home any more, but his friend was close by, should be need her.   
“Oh, I’m sorry! That’s a nasty reaction you got there. Didn’t mean to scare you.” Shaking his head as he filled his plate with food that seemed to only be bested by Mrs. Evans, he told the older boy he was sorry for acting that way. “We all have stuff to deal with in this house, don’t feel bad. I’m Griffin Goyle, fourth year.” He held out one greasy hand which the younger shook, unphased by the grime. 

Turning, he caught Lily’s eye. She was still trying to get out and get to him. It reminded him they still had each other. He had told her on the train that he was worried he would not fit in, and it seemed she was keeping her promise to keep an eye on him. He held up his thumb to her, their signal that everything was ok. They had made plans to meet up the next day before breakfast to exchange stories if they ended up in different houses. She nodded and sat down, her hat almost falling off her pretty head as she did.

He turned himself back to the food. He would tell Lily how understanding the members of his new house were - how each person had their own scars, pains or sorrows… how Slytherin was nothing like the books said, full of evil children waiting to pounce on anyone. So far, in this feast, they seemed quite loyal to one another at the least. 

He could not wait to see Lily. He could not wait to see his best friend.

> Somebody else 'round everyone else  
> You're watching your back like you can't relax  
> You're tryin' to be cool  
> You look like a fool to me  
> Tell me  
> 

Making Slytherin friends when you were a part of the (disowned) Prince line was easy. Though he was a half-blood, the surname carried a lot of weight, he was not insignificant in his house, even a year later he still felt a part of something. He had made some firm ‘friends’ in every year. Mostly they were just people who knew him, wanted him to help with homework, wanted to say they knew someone from the Prince line (albeit disowned).

His friendship with Lily was still progressing and he knew he now had a crush on her. Every morning they had gotten into the habit of rising very early to take their breakfast in the kitchen with the house elves. The tiny creatures did not mind much that their space was shared for an hour while the two friends got together to talk. Sometimes tuts were heard when one or the other gossiped about or made fun of a teacher, Professor Slughorn usually bore the brunt of their mocking. Severus would stuff one of the cushions that the house elves had provided for them up his shirt for extra roundness and start,  
“Oh, no, no, no, my boy! You must be day dreaming, concentrate more!” He would watch how she would laugh and kick her legs under the stool they sat on - completely unaware of the boys growing feelings

Early one October morning after their usual breakfasts, the boy was nibbling on some toast (even though he had already had more than enough) while he watched Lily sit with James Potter. Him and his group had started tormenting Severus at the end of the last year. They had already found a name for him: snivellus. He had made sure not to cry at Hogwarts, especially not in front of any one, so nothing had warranted the childish name. He watched at how easily the Potter boy slung an arm over Lily’s shoulders. How she laughed with them, the Marauders they called themselves, and he wondered if she would join their little group and add yet another reason as to why they could not be friends openly. 

Suddenly her eyes flicked up to two Ravenclaws who were slowly approaching him. The two girls slid themselves into seats opposite his and he eyed them cautiously. One girl was slim with light blonde hair which could have rivaled Malfoy’s, her features stood out on her face and the blue of her house seemed to match her eyes. The other was a lot pudgier and looked as if she had never felt a moment of hunger in her life, despite her cheeks being full, her eyes were a murky green that almost seemed grey, her brunette hair in ringlets… pretty, if that was what someone was into. Pretty - but not Lily.

“Your mum is Eileen Prince.” The thinner one started the conversation, she was excited but her statement sounded plain. He gave confirmation before the other one practically bubbled over with excitement,  
“You must join our Gobstones club! Your mum was a legend!” He scoffed,  
“My mother is nothing of the sort.” He would never let anyone see his true feelings for his mother, only Lily had that right.  
“She was Champion of the Hogwarts Gobstone club in her last TWO years. You have to join us. I bet you know all her tricks.”  
“Even if I did, I would never tell you. Now get off the Slytherin benches and go back to where you came from.” His face now in a look of disgust, they left without asking any more. A good thing too because despite his wanting to learn, his father had stopped the former champion teaching their child anything of the game.

His friends sniggered beside him and clapped him on the back for sending them away.  
“Put them where they belong.”   
“You tell ‘em, Sev.” Were a couple that could be heard around the table. He smiled and laughed with them, joining in their jeering and fun… Until he caught Lily’s eye. Her smile said he had just disappointed her, and she shook her head at him before talking once again to that Stupid Potter Boy.

> Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?  
> I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else  
> Gets me frustrated  
> Life's like this  
> You, you fall and you crawl and you break  
> And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty  
> You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it  
> No, no, no

Their actions were torturous, how could she not see? They loved messing with him and sending hexes his way. They flew down the corridor, across the classrooms, out the front doors of shops in Hogsmeade - Nowhere was safe. His mother had stashed his consent for him to go to the little village inside his trunk, yet again, afraid of what Tobias might say if he found out. She risked everything for him to go, to enjoy butterbeer with his friends, Avery and Mulciber. They were, other than Lily, the closest he currently held to friendship. Lucius had gone, and with it the protection of the Prefects, though more said they would help him. The boys, and by extension the gang, had his back now and whatever Stupid Potter and his friends threw at him they would get back in double.

Their breakfasts had started decreasing. Each day Severus would wait in the Kitchens, hopeful she would turn up. Hopeful they could laugh again. Now though, more than half the mornings he spent nibbling on a piece of toast while enduring the pitying glances from house elves who seemed to know that she would never come. He was starting to hate those silly creatures. They were slaves, lower than him in the structure of society, and they thought they could pity him. He would not endure those glances any more. Lily would come down to the kitchens one day herself and find him not there. He could not wish her harm, but he did wish she would know how it felt. 

A week had passed and he could not bear not seeing her. Severus had built a routine around his best friend, and he felt bad for abandoning her. Traipsing down to the kitchens he had been shocked to find her and all the Marauders huddled around their table. They were laughing and messing about with one another as they ate. Lily leaned on Stupid Potter a bit too much for his liking and it became too much when Potter put an arm around her. Not around her shoulders, but around her waist… and she let him. 

The house elves all looked to him with pity again. No more - he would do this no more. He would not go to the kitchens again. 

~~

A year later and Lily still could not work out what had happened to her best friend. She had come to the kitchen as often as she could but after twice coming down and finding he had not been there at all she decided to make her own fun. James was a right prat when he wanted to be and she would often need to chastise him for mocking Severus or calling him names, though she found he was getting harder and harder to stand up for. 

He was beginning to hang around with the ‘Slytherin Gang’, those who everyone knew would end up as Death Eaters. She had asked him to stop, to reconsider his acquaintances - for that’s what they were. He may share a dormitory with those boys that surround him, but she is his friend. She will be there until there is no one left to fight for, no one left to care for - until he becomes his father, the very embodiment of what he hates. 

Walking the grounds with a friend, she spots Severus hanging upside down off a tree with his trousers by his knees and his shirt over his face. Leaving the other girl behind she storms over to deliver some harsh words to James.   
“Expelliarmus!” She heard the thud as Her friend was dropped out of the tree, she thought he probably landed awkwardly knowing him but she had bigger fish to fry. “James Potter! You bully! Apologise now.”  
“But Lily… It’s Snivellus!”  
“His name is Severus, how many times have I told you?!” She saw red at yet another misuse of his name. She was already in an offensive duelling stance, ready to fight for her friend.

She did not hear Mulciber say quietly,  
“Yeah, Snivellus needs a girl to protect him. Bloody pathetic really…” so she did not know why he reacted so strongly.   
“Stop it! I don’t need some little mudblood protecting me! Just fucking stop it.” Turning in time to see Avery slap his back, her world blurred from the tears stinging her eyes. It took no time at all for those in the Slytherin gang to move away and she figured that that was why it took no time at all for him to reach for her. “Oh, Lily, I -”  
“No, Snivellus, you fucking stop it.”

James reached her first and she allowed herself to be pulled into his arms while her heart broke. Something had snapped between them and Lily could not place the last time she had been hugged by Severus. Moments like that used to happen all the time, when Petunia called her a freak, when her school friends did not understand her, when her mother cried over her gift… When Tobias beat his mother to near death. Now, she guessed that would never happen again, and if it weren’t for the new, strong arms circling her, she feared her body would break apart - just as her heart was. 

She could hear his voice in a heated argument, she knew he would lose - he always backed down in arguments, said they reminded him of his parents. Severus was practically screaming at the boys and every syllable that left his lips was like nails on a chalkboard. She took half a moment to consider how something that had once been so precious was now the worst sound she had ever heard. It was worse than betrayal because it felt like death.

> You come over unannounced  
> Dressed up like you're somethin' else  
> Where you are ain't where it's at  
> You see you're making me laugh out  
> When you strike your pose  
> Take off all your preppy clothes  
> You know you're not fooling anyone  
> When you've become…

Becoming a Death eater was one of the stupidest things Severus had done, in Lily’s opinion. He was dressed in simple black robes and paraded himself around like he was someone important. Really though, he was simply a disowned half blood from pure lineage. He was not secretive about his membership of the Dark Group, so quite why he was waltzing with Felicia Morgatia at a wedding of a mutual friend from Hogwarts, she had no idea. People had picked sides and yet those such as Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Black, and the Lestrange brothers were still getting invites to social events.

She watched him twirl the pretty little thing under his arm. As James wrapped an arm around her protectively she wondered what she would have felt watching this scene in another life. Would she have been happy for him? Jealous? Certainly Felicia was quite a catch, but so was Severus. So was the man who had been her best friend for all those years - if only he had not been a Death Eater. 

Someone had to try and stop him before he took this too far. He had received the Dark mark, but he could still be redeemed. He could be a spy for the light. She knew he had it in him. Severus Snape was one of the few she knew would have the strength to spy, he always had that Slytherin cunning and it would have been wonderful to have that fighting with them. It would have been wonderful to have him with her again. 

The music ended and he bowed to the lady, as was customary, then began walking towards her. Lily’s breath caught as he fixed his dark gaze on her for the briefest of moments. A million thoughts ran through her head; would he ask her to dance, could they talk while they did, did his laugh still sound the same…? They may never have the ease of what they had before, but they could begin anew. They could understand each other again, she would have her Severus back, and he his Lily. Best friends, always.

He walked right past her.

> Somebody else 'round everyone else  
> You're watchin' your back like you can't relax  
> You're tryin' to be cool  
> You look like a fool to me  
> Tell me

Murdering someone was harder than Severus could have ever thought. He would see them in his thoughts, his dreams, every where. She had mousey hair, grey eyes, a button nose, and high cheekbones, pretty - but not Lily. Thank god not Lily. He had managed to keep them out of the limelight for a while now, despite her being a part of the Order of the Phoenix.

He had seen her only a handful of times since the end of Hogwarts, she was still a beautiful ray of sunshine as it fell low in sky. Her fiery locks shaped her face and seemed to caress her shoulders in the way his hands ached to. Her nice clothes fitted her curves the way his body still wished to do. 

She belonged to another. Since that fateful day she had given herself to that Stupid Potter. He had been her everything from that moment, her financial aid, her emotional support, her love when the lights dimmed. 

Murdering someone felt a lot like that day. Like getting ripped from life again, only to have to reorganise it over, and over, until it fitted the only thing he was suitable for: taking orders. Murdering someone felt like going to hell to ask for solace from the chaos of the world, only to be spat back out and flung into the mix. Murdering someone felt like having a part of yourself ripped from you, only to be stuck back on the wrong way. 

He had overstepped the mark when he slaughtered Felicia Morgatia as her sixteen-year-old sister watched for disobeying the Dark Lord. He knew at that moment that he could never atone for the sins, the crimes he had committed. Neither Azkaban, nor death itself, could redeem him, he was a lost cause and was pleased to know Lily was safe from him, and the Dark Lord - for now.

> Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?  
> I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else  
> Gets me frustrated  
> Life's like this  
> You, you fall and you crawl and you break  
> And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty  
> You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it  
> No, no, no

Delivering the prophecy to the Dark Lord was easy and felt like the cat had got the cream. He had provided something useful to his master and was ready to reap the rewards… until Harry, Lily’s boy, was put in the light. The whole family was in danger and he struggled to find a way to stop it.

He was braver than he had ever been when he asked the Dark Lord to at least spare Lily. He had held back the emotion as he all but demanded assurance of one woman’s safety from a madman. He knew he would receive the Cruciatus curse for behaviour like that, and he was prepared to kill more… all to save Lily’s life. To see her hair blow in the breeze again in that park where they had first met. 

It was no use, he knew, to ask for these assurances from the Dark Lord, though they were freely given. He had to have another escape for them, find another way to stay safe. It was no matter to him that James Stupid Potter would be saved too, if he came as a package with Lily and her son, then he would deal with the repercussions - so long as she was safe. He knew that he would love Harry like his own, so long as she lived. He would be Uncle Severus who came round to help mummy when life got too much. To share a meal with, watch a movie with, to give the boy’s parents five minutes together. So long as she lived. 

Dumbledore was of more help. He seemed to take Severus seriously, seemed to perceive the danger that Harry was in. Harry and Neville Longbottom. Never before had he wished the deaths of two innocents, but if it kept Lily and her son alive, then so be it. 

Dumbledore made a point of how his former student disgusted him, how his actions were drawn out of some ill gotten fantasy. However, what he did not expect was the show of thanks and comradeship that happened after their discussion. Albus clapped Severus on the shoulder and, for the first time in his life, he was told he had done well. 

The emotion was hard to hold back.

> No, no, no  
> No, no, no  
> No, no, no

Lily’s body lay on the floor. She was limp and fast turning cold. He had heard the scream and knew she was dead, but it did not hit him until He could see her. The lifeless form on on the floor of the nursery. Her features twisted in agony were barely recognisable to him as he slumped down beside her.

He could not resist holding her. Pulling her close and letting her body fit to his. He held her in his lap while he cried. Emotion for the moments that never were, that never will be, that never hoped to become. As he looked to her face once more, he was surprised to see a look of serenity and contentment. She was gone and he would never again know the feel of her arms around him, comforting him, warming his frozen heart. She was gone and he would never know what could have come to pass. 

He rocked her lifeless form as he held Lily. He whispered sweet nothings in her ears as he cried, unashamed, in front of the child she shared with James Stupid, Dead Potter. He told her how he would make it up, how he could never have been good enough for her, how he wanted her to know he loved her and had since the moment they met. 

He told her how sorry he was as he placed her back down, still unable to tear his eyes away from her. 

He loved her and nothing would change that. 

Eternally.

> Chill out, what you yellin' for?  
> Lay back, it's all been done before  
> And if you could only let it be  
> You will see…

He picked up the boy and examined him. The lightning bolt scar the only wound the child had received. Crying out at his mistreatment, Severus hushed him. He even allowed the young thing to pull on his nose and clothes.

“Harry,” he began, his voice a soft whisper, “Never before have I pledged myself like this. I swear to you I will protect you with everything I have, as I should have done for your mother.” He allowed the boy to wipe at his tears. “You are Lily’s legacy and I will not allow you to share the same fate as she did. I do not know you, little Harry, but I loved your mother, and as her most precious thing, you will be cared for too. Always know I am on your side, tiny, stupid Potter.” 

Hagrid and Dumbledore came, they took the boy from the cot where he had placed the boy again. They each left on their preferred transport and left him with Lily. Alone again. 

He caressed her rapidly cooling cheek one last time,   
“Lily, I love you.”

He walked away from her for the last time.

> Somebody else 'round everyone else  
> You're watching your back like you can't relax  
> You're trying to be cool,  
> You look like a fool to me  
> Tell me

Snape was driving Harry crazy. Each year he thought that his potions professor had been up to something, it always turned out that he had either helped or saved him in some way. This year the tables were turned and he had to save the greasy git.

He watched as Snape threw his arms wide to protect them from Professor Lupin. For a Slytherin, the man was pretty selfless. Protecting someone from a Werewolf was probably the most un-snake like thing to do. There had to be more to him than the man was letting on. 

Through the last three years, Snape had often told Harry of how he reminded the potions professor of his father, James. Had circumstances been different he would have loved to ask about his parents. There was so much he wanted to know, yet he had never had anyone to ask. 

Not once had the head of house told Harry anything of his mother though. He wondered if they had known each other. Surely, they had not, his father and Snape had a fued from what Sirius said. He wondered if that would have transferred to his mother. 

If only the man had been more approachable he would have been able to ask.

> Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?  
> I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else  
> Gets me frustrated  
> Life's like this  
> You, you fall and you crawl and you break  
> And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty  
> You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it  
> No no

With the Dark Lord back, Dumbledore thought that Severus Snape would have had more sympathy for Harry. They both had their fates decided, yet the two still seemed to be a logaheads continually. Neither of them could build up a relationship if the elder still felt he had nothing to give.

Yes, the teacher still loved Lily, but how had none of this transferred to the boy? Every action that he had done until that moment had been out of love for a woman long deceased and laid to rest. Yet he continued to hide it, in loyalty to the Dark Lord, in Loyalty to the Headmaster, in loyalty to the cause. 

However while the two kept their easy friction the light side had more chance of success. The Dark Lord would not suspect that Severus was Loyal to another, but not to Dumbledore, no; to Lily. There was never a doubt in the Headmasters mind that Severus had fought for neither side, more that he carried on for a memory, recompence, for love.

He had watched the man grow from snotty child all through to today and never before had Dumbledore thought Severus Snape was more capable of love, than he had been on the day the former died. 

Good Luck Severus Snape. You are forgiven.

> Why do you have to go and make things so complicated? (yeah, yeah)  
> I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else  
> Gets me frustrated  
> Life's like this

Harry cried. He had met his mother in the throws of battle, his father too, Sirius and Remus… He felt their losses like arrows. Pointing through his heart, bleeding out his hopes for the future…

But no loss did he feel as much as Severus Snape. Everything the man had ever done was all for his mother. All so she could live. Then when she died, everything he did went into protection of her legacy, protection of him. They had never really hated each other, simply misunderstood. It was a hard and bitter pill to swallow. 

He made his way back to the body. Snape was already cold, dead hours previous, but never before had Harry felt he needed comfort like this, from the man who had seemed to make his life a living hell every day, as his father had done for him. 

He never let his true feelings show. He never allowed himself to act on the desire to scoop Harry up and openly protect him with all his being, of course the boy understood why, but he could not help but think of what could have been. He could have grown up at Hogwarts, a part of the Snape family, poor, but loved. Loved with everything the man could give, all because his mother had been precious. He could have known his family through this man, and the man known Lily again through him. They could have relied and depended so much on one another. Yet they were never allow. 

Severus Snape played his part in the war and the boy was thankful and proud of him. He sat himself onto the lap of his professor and cried. The same safe way that he had held Lily all those years ago at her death, was finally being returned as he hugged the form of the man who had repeated laid his life on the line for the girl with hair like sunset’s legacy. 

Severus Snape could rest in peace knowing that Lily’s son was safe. Knowing he played his complicated part well, never letting anyone see his real face until the end. 

Thank you Severus Snape. You will be remembered for the man that you were.

> You, you fall and you crawl and you break  
> And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty  
> You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it  
> No no no 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.   
> I hoped you enjoyed it just as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Have a good rest of the day, whatever you're doing.


End file.
